The Snarky Little Professor

Very well done:

The Little Professor: How to Write a CoHE "First Person" Essay: A Handy Multiple-Choice Guide: While the CoHE has printed its share of worthy essays in the "First Person" section, there is nevertheless a certain type of essay--melancholy, sulky, or otherwise gloomy--that frequently elicits strong reactions of a not altogether positive nature. This evening, while on a break from executing Anne Boleyn, it occurred to me that we could save future writers for the CoHE considerable time and effort by supplying an easy-to-follow guide. For example:

1. I am: _ writing under a clever pseudonym writing under an uninspired pseudonym __ using my own name

2. At present, I am: _ tenured, unfortunately, at a wonderful college tenured, unfortunately, at the campus from hell tenured, unfortunately, at an institution that fails to appreciate my scintillating qualities untenured, unfortunately, at a wonderful college untenured, unfortunately, at the campus from hell untenured, unfortunately, at an institution that fails to appreciate my scintillating qualities a much put-upon administrator _ a recently-fired (without cause!) administrator

3. I'm terribly, terribly unhappy, because: _ I thought life after tenure would be bliss, and it's just the same-old, same-old my colleagues fail to appreciate my scintillating qualities there's a poststructuralist/Marxist/cultural materialist/New Historicist/Lacanian/ deconstructionist/other in my department there isn't a poststructuralist/Marxist/cultural materialist/New Historicist/Lacanian/ deconstructionist/other in my department there are politics! in academia! if I had been born fifty years ago, there would have been no politics! in academia! if I had been born fifty years ago, there would have been my kind of politics! in academia! academic work isn't all about Twoo Wuv for your subject people are so mean to me _ students don't appreciate all the effort I put into teaching them

4. I can prove that what I say is true, because: _ I have personal anecdotes I'm going to reveal confidential data from job searches and personnel decisions __ the CoHE published this essay, and therefore it must be true

5. Blogging is: _ a sign of the imminent Apocalypse not done by trustworthy people not done by employable people _ ...what is a blog?

6. Everything would be so much better if _ someone granted me an endowed chair at a research university with a 2-2 load I gave up tenure to farm sheep in New Zealand everybody published scholarship of interest to me being in graduate school was all about Twoo Wuv __ students were really interested in the Meaning of Life

7. But none of this will happen, because: _ I'm not politically correct sheep give me hives nobody cares about academics like me graduate school is all about politics! __ students these days just can't appreciate the Sheer Joy of Learning

8. Still, at least I can tell you that the Little Professor will be invited to write an essay for the CoHE when: _ pigs fly cats obey orders __ professors in the English department make more money than professors in the Business department

July 22, 2006 in Academic, Satire | Permalink

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» The Little Professor whomps on the CHE anonymous columns from Sherman Dorn: Miriam Burstein (aka The Little Professor) whacks the anonymous dyspeptic column for 6. Best academic snark I've seen in a while (and I have access to much good academic snark)